Depression Doesn't Always Look Like Sadness

We’ve all seen the Cymbalta commercial where the dog drops the ball by the owner, who is listlessly lying on the couch, with no energy to play with the poor pooch. And while depression absolutely can look like that, it doesn’t always manifest that way. It can look like busyness. It can look like disorganization. It can look helter skelter.

When Stephen “tWitch” Boss died, it seemed like this kind of depression finally came to the public eye. This appeared to be a very depressed person who, as far as we all knew, was still showing up to work, for his family, etc. Of course, things are coming to light after the fact, but this certainly wasn’t the face of depression we’d all come to know. The expression “high-functioning depression” started getting batted around.

As someone who has this, I had already coined it Type A Depression. No matter what you call it, it sucks. You feel all the hallmarks of Depression in your bones but you also have a perfectionist side, and these two fight like hell to win. The result? Chaos. A person who always shows up, but shows up late. A person who gets everything done but is always exhausted. A person who would give anything to give in for just one day and bed rot, but knows her to-do list would make her spiral into a mental health crisis.

I can only recall one day when I had, for lack of a better phrase, “stereotypical depression.” It was New Year’s Day about 11 years ago. My boys were young and my ex-husband and I had tried a lot of therapy, but our marriage was circling the drain. I was fine on the 31st, but could not get out of bed on the 1st. It was as if the thought of facing another 365 days in emotional agony was too much for me. I had never done that before. My ex, as immune to emotions as he was, was concerned. We were supposed to go see the snow in Julian that day, and I told him to go ahead. Again, something I never would have done. At one point, he laid on top of me. This would seem strange for anyone else, but my ex had very unconventional ways of trying to show support. I felt terrible for him to see me like that, but I was powerless to do anything.

I guess my point is that the common thread of any way that Depression decides to rear its ugly head is brutal, especially because he often brings his dick brother Anxiety with him. Pffffttttt. So let’s support one another, as the unfortunate truth is, we are legion.